Juan’s 2011 Film Superlatives

I’m sure everyone is totally excited for the Juan-And-Only Awards (yes I’m insane enough to create my own crazy fake award show that will probably never see the light of day). But for now let’s go over some of the crazy superlatives I’ve come up with for 2011. Much like the lists of Amy and Ghost, I’ll be bringing up some interesting categories! A few best of and worst of and even some categories that you probably wouldn’t expect at all. Enjoy everybody!

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FAVORITE ACTRESS

I’m sure you can all guess the answer to this one. It’s Jessica Chastain. She’s perfect. Her face brings all the feelings into my life, her performances just get better and better with each film, and she is a bundle of joy in every interview I’ve seen her in. If you haven’t seen a single movie she’s in, go do it right now. I’m serious when I say she’s perfect, and if you don’t agree, you’re probably crazy (but still sort of entitled to your own opinion).

SEXIEST MURDER

The award for this goes to Ryan Gosling for smashing someone’s head in just after kissing Carey Mulligan in slow motion while in an elevator in Drive. I was seriously just staring at my screen amazed at how appealing that entire scene was.

GUILTIEST PLEASURE

The winner of this grand title goes to the music documentary, Justin Bieber: Never Say Never. To quote the marvelous John Waters, “Wait until you see Justin stick his head into the audience and shake his hair in 3-D. I screamed.”

BEST DEBUT FEATURE

There haven’t been too many of these for the year, but I know exactly which one I’d say is best: Another Earth. Excellent writing, direction, acting, and even its minor use of special effects was just great. I loved every minute of it and I’d recommend it to anyone.

MOST BADASS ANIMAL

While the awesome subtitled dog Arthur in Beginners might seem like the top choice, this award goes to the fantastic horse Joey from War Horse, who might as well be scoring an Academy Award for his heartbreaking performance.

WORST TRAILER

It is with a heavy heart that I say that Dario Argento has brought us the worst trailer of the year. A man who was once an excellent filmmaker is now the man who brings us something like the trailer Dracula 3D. To quote a friend of mine, “The praying mantis is the key moment in the trailer where it went from good to masterpiece.”

BEST FILM SCORE

This is slightly premature as I haven’t heard every single score of the year, or even seen the movie just yet, but Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross’ music for The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo is pretty much three hours of sheer bliss.

MOST AWKWARD MASTURBATION

This could have gone to Fassbender in Shame, but this one definitely goes to Ezra Miller in We Need To Talk About Kevin. There’s nothing like having your mom catch you jacking off and then continuing while staring into her eyes. Creepy. As. Fuck.

BEST PARODY TRAILER

Every single thing that The Muppets did for advertising, especially the parody trailer or their own parody trailer. My personal favorite however: The Pig With The Froggy Tattoo.

FAVORITE ENSEMBLE CAST

Woody Allen’s films are usually full of colorful characters and great choices in actors for each role. Midnight in Paris is probably one of my favorites in this aspect. Full of both well and little known actors and actresses, the magical film takes us to the twenties and gives us a smashing performance from every single cast member in the movie.

MOST SHOCKING SERIES OF EVENTS

If there’s anything Almodóvar can do, it’s tell a story. In La Piel Que Habito, he does much more than that. It’s twisted, it’s beautiful, and it’s a damn masterpiece full of dark surprises that will leave almost anyone impressed.

WORST CRUSH DEVELOPMENT

I don’t want to admit this at all, but over the last few months, I’ve developed a major crush on this one dude who’s shown up in a bunch of movies this year. It all sort of started when I saw his face in Captain America and now my life is totally ruined, so this one’s for you, Chris Evans. You should continue taking your clothes off in movies. I really wanted to make out with you in What’s Your Number? the entire time I was watching.

DIRTIEST DANCE

Okay, you got me. It’s not dirty at all. It’s actually just a little scene in Crazy, Stupid, Love. that involves Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone reenacting a fun dance move from one of my favorite movies, Dirty Dancing. I had the time of my life watching that moment and wishing that I was the lucky one in Ryan Gosling’s arms. Then again, I’ve been wishing I was in his arms since that important movie about his beard.

FAVORITE MOVIE ABOUT MOVIES

This is actually a really hard choice to make because there were a lot of these this year. It falls down to the only tie I’ll be making this year. Hugo gets this one for being one of the most pleasant surprises of the year, full of a ton of classic film history that one would have never expected from the trailer. Super 8 also wins this one because it really does capture all those childhood dreams of making a movie, while also being an extremely fun film that I loved every minute of.

MOST AROUSING TRAILERS

You shouldn’t even be wondering what I’m choosing for this, it’s really obvious. The Red Band trailer for Steve McQueen’s Shame, which edits together over a dozen clips of Michael Fassbender having sex with women, is a clear winner for this category. However, I personally prefer the second trailer released for the movie with Carey Mulligan singing ‘New York, New York’ and Michael Fassbender giving me a boner by whispering one single word, “Slowly.”

Juan Barquin

Just yer average twenty-something college student with no time on his hands who ends up watching (and writing) too many movies and shows for his own good.

4 Responses

  1. amy says:

    I concur with your dirtiest dancing pick. OMG, just thinking about it. LOL It’s inappropriate xD – and I was about to watch We Need to Talk about Kevin, so good that you mention that so I don’t have to watch it with people around me to avoid the awkward.

    Baby, baby… oohh, baby~ I can’t even believe that I’m considering checking out Never Say Never because of you guys…

    • Juan Barquin says:

      @amy, Don’t do it for me. Do it for yourself. It’s a fun movie and it’s actually informative about Biebs! Plus, look at that John Waters quote! It’s NUMBER THREE on his list!!!

  2. Mirella says:

    Wow, you too? I also blame Captain America with my not-really-but-still-there crush on Chris Evans’ body. Yes, I am shallow. Also, the way he is so anxious around big crowds of fans (and the fact he copped a feel at Hiddleston on the New York Comic Con) made him more interesting… yes, I am also weird.

    Also, yay Fassy! I really really need to watch shame. :D

    And finally Joey the horse, oh how Hiddleston praised that horse “I’m just a horse, man. Deal with it.” XD

  3. ghost says:

    I wonder how many others will try the “new” dirty dancing move now. There’s a lot of sexy/dirty/sex awards on this list… sexiest murder, awkward masturbation, crush development, dirtiest dance, arousing trailer… LOL

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